It’s Wednesday and we’re at the halfway mark in Festive Fantasy Week! Today we interview a character so pivotal to the events of the Harry Potter series that she even became one of Lord Voldemort’s targets for assassination. We had the chance to hear her side of the story and discover how she survived that fateful night in 1997.
Hedwig, we’re so glad you could join us. How are you these days?
I came in here on owl-crutches, how do you think I’m bloody doing?
Of course, how stupid of me. Uh, let’s talk about your early years. Why don’t you tell us about the day you met Harry Potter?
Oh sure, let’s talk about Harry Potter. The Chosen One. The Boy Who Lived. The Second $*&@! Coming of Godric Gryffindor!
He was a good kid, I suppose. Treated me well, although he never was the brightest spark in the box.
Really? How so?
Look, I’m not going to stand here and trash talk the boy who– oh, who am I kidding? He got into Hogwarts by default, not because he was smart. Don’t you think a smart kid would have played on the whole ‘I’m the Chosen One’ thing a lot more? He could have had Dumbledore running around after him, with the other kids grovelling at his feet!
Err, isn’t that kind of… dark?
Dark? What are you, some kind of do-gooder? It’s called ‘Doing the Necessary’.
That sounds like something a certain ‘You-Know-Who’ would have said…
And what if it does? Harry could have taken down that forked-tongued freak in his first year at Hogwarts, if he had thought to listen to me. But no, wizards can only talk to snakes, even though they can transform into all kinds of crap and pretty much do anything else they fancy. If only they could understand what us owls were saying. We had it all worked out…
What do you mean exactly by that?
Intelligence. More precisely, B.A.D.M.A.N. – Birds Against Dark Magic and Assorted Nasties. It’s the world’s largest and most advanced intelligence agency currently in operation. You name it and we’ve had a hand in it. Afghanistan, Vietnam, the First Wizarding War, the Battle of Hogwarts. We had plans in place to rid the world of Voldemort once and for all. And boy, didn’t he know it.
You’re not saying…
Yep. He knew about us. He had suspected for a long time that us owls were more than just the world’s messiest postal service. It was all just a cover while we bided our time.
But hadn’t owls been used for generations to deliver letters? Since the time of Godric Griffindor and Salazar Slytherin?
Gods no! That’s just what we wanted people to believe. It’s really no bother for an organisation of our power to just swoop in and alter the history books. Humans are stupid, my friend. And wizards are especially stupid.
So, let’s talk about the Battle of the Seven Potters, the fateful night on which you were killed. Or so we thought. Can you discuss how you survived?
We had had Voldemort and his cronies dancing to our tune for a while at that point. One more deception and his days of villainy would have been numbered. And a crucial part of that was that we had to make the world believe Harry Potter was dead. Only then could we have enacted the final protocol and brought down that snake-nosed bastard.
Unfortunately, it again comes down to the fact that wizards are stupid. And the stupidest idea in the world, when you’re hiding out from the most powerful dark wizard of all time, is sending half a dozen wizards in on broomsticks to escort the target out. What’s more, they decided it would be jolly good fun to all disguise themselves as Harry Potter! Needless to say, by that point it was hopeless trying to guess which of them was the real Harry.
My mission had been compromised and B.A.D.M.A.N. had to make itself scarce, now that we could no longer bring our final hand into play. I caught the brunt of a killing curse and went down. Luckily, it wasn’t fatal. After that, it was down to the wizards. Lucky for them, they won through sheer dumb luck.
So what is life like for you now? Have you ever thought about returning to the Wizarding World?
Hang on a minute. Just how is it that you know all this stuff about me? You’re a muggle, you’re not even supposed to know about magic!
Uhh… yeah, you see… about that…
Oh… God… who would have known that worked on living… err…
Thanks for tuning in folks. We’ll be back tomorrow with The Christmas Dinner Invasion!
And remember… tell no-one of what transpired here today. I’m off to bury this wand and stuff some nice new feather cushions for the sofa.