“You Regret Being Human When…” – A Sort-Of Fictional Rant


Basically, I came up with the idea to write something to comment on various things I witness in my day-to-day life. I’d just finished reading a really excellent comic called Some People by Luke Pearson. I came away sorely wishing I could draw—sadly, I can’t. However, I can write and this is what I ended up writing. It’s not really a story and it’s not really a real-life account. It is what it is and I hope you enjoy.

* * * * *

You regret being human when…

People drink coffee as if it makes them better than you.

A businessman in his late twenties sits at his desk in an open-collar shirt and a Starbucks cup in one hand. He’s the kind of person who thinks an Americano is the only thing you should be ordering, because a Latte is just too fussy and holds up the queue. Never mind, then, the almond pastry he’s asked to be warmed up or the cup holder he fills one-by-one as he “gets in the coffee” for the “guys at the office”.

You regret being human when…

Work is all there is.

‘Of course, I’ll have the presentation ready by eleven. Sure, I can’t wait for the conference on Saturday about transferable skills. What? No, it’s not a problem at all. There are plenty more weekends and I’d only sit and twiddle my thumbs anyway. Alright, catch up with you at the team lunch tomorrow. Ciao.’

He hangs up the phone and heads off through the office. As he approaches, you smile and wish him a good morning. The businessman ignores you and strides straight past. You might as well be a speck of dirt on the man’s pristine shoes.

You regret being human when…

Someone overtakes you when you’re doing the speed limit.

The overtaking car’s engine roars as it tears past you, having spent the last few minutes attached to your rear bumper. Nobody needs to go that fast, do they? You look across and see the driver’s irritated expression as he passes. God, it must be such a stressful way to lead your life. At least he shaved a few seconds off his journey, though, right?

You regret being human when…

Someone famous dies and suddenly everyone’s a fan.

‘Oh, god, did you hear about Heath Ledger?’ the Americano-drinking, work-loving, speeding, office idiot will announce. ‘It’s funny, I was just saying the other day how I found his early performances so moving. You probably won’t have heard of him before he broke into Hollywood, but he had a real cult following.’

All at once, you feel inadequate, awkward and pissed off. This guy probably hasn’t seen a Heath Ledger movie in his life but thought he’d read up on his career on Wikipedia so he could join in the chat at work the next day. Doesn’t it just make you want to scream?

You know what’s worse, though?

You regret being human when…

You realise that you can’t even regret being human. You didn’t choose it. You always were one. Damn…

You wish you weren’t human when…


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